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Helping a loved one not commit suicide

Listen...

If you're the one... the person that has been chosen... to disclose to... to open up to... and you're not prepared or worse you do what's in the what not to do list (below), then you need to be prepared.

Especially if you're an approachable person, a trust worthy person... because you will likely have this experience at some point in your life... and that's a good thing...

It's a great thing!

It means you can make a difference... in this life and death moment.

What to do

Read this first...

Listen...

No I mean listen... deeply, authentically and without judgement.

Acknowledge that right at this moment suicide is one of the options that this person is considering... out loud and to them!

It's not up to you to rule it out, it's your role to help them to rule it out... at least at this point in their life.  So it needs to be on the table out in the open.

The best way to do that is to listen... help them by feeding back what you're hearing and identify all the emotions they are experiencing. 

Take a moment to walk in their shoes.  Literally put yourself in their life and walk along side of them for this moment and describe what you see, hear and think about how they view it.

Calm their inner stormy thoughts by acknowledging the whole story they have going on... even if you don't buy into it, or think they've missed some logic.

It's important that you walk along side of them and they feel heard and validated... then when it feels like you have enough of that story you need to talk about their plans.

Do they have a plan? 

Do they have the means?

Have they taken steps to collect together what they need to commit suicide?

The closer they are to actually committing suicide, the calmer you need to be and the more empathy you need to show... because it's taken them a lot to get right where they are.

You need to calm that inner storm down (yours and theirs) by totally focusing on this moment and listening and feeding it back to them over and over before you throw any logic into the conversation.

Using logic on an emotional person who's considering committing suicide is like mixing oil and water - it just doesn't penetrate!

You need to acknowledge their pain and emotion first and wait for them emotions to abate, soften or release (through tears).

You'll know when this happens, their voice becomes calmer, their body more relaxed and the story they have told themselves has taken on less of a black and white feel to it.

It's at this point that you can then explore other (preferable) options with them.

"Putting aside, just for a moment, the option of ending your life... what other options are available to you?"

You need to help them explore ALL options... and all consequences for all of the options on the table.

Because suicidal people are not weak, they are in fact incredibly strong... it's just that their thinking has become narrow... black and white... and they miss the bigger picture.

They haven't been able to think all options through.

It's our job to help them do that... they've come to you for help!

You're their brains trust right at this moment... so help them find another way... they actually want that!

Help them find a way out!

If there is no other way... and sometimes that could be the reality for them right at this moment, we need to help them find the courage to wait until another way is revealed to them.

So we need to ask them if we can help them find a safe place until that is found.

We need to seek their agreement that we create that safe place, that we let the right people know so they can step into the situation and help right now.

Don't go too early on this last part.  Explore every option first... because this builds trust.

You are literally talking them down, off the edge, so we need to calm them down first and we do that by connecting

with them...

by deeply listening to them

by validating emotions and thoughts and

by empathising... agreeing that life is really shit right now and it seems like there's no other option.

But lets see if that's true first before we take that drastic step.

When you have their agreement to open this discussion up to others, then act on it.

Call the closest mental health unit or the Police and explain the situation.

Call their partner/family/parent (with their permission).

Work out what the next steps are...

Perhaps they need help with connecting to their doctor, therapist or mentor in their life.  Just do it.. but do it with them and not without their permission.

We want to help them off the ledge and also into the arms of people who know how to help them further.

You can do that.

 

What not to do

Read this second

Don't judge...

Don't joke...

Don't panic and

Don't guilt trip!

If you are in a situation where someone has had enough trust in you to open up about their thoughts of suicide then you are in a trusted position.  So any of the above will make you instantly untrustworthy and they will withdraw from you and you'll be left wondering... will they?

Judging often comes in the form of criticism or contempt.  By criticising, name calling or making them feel inadequate for feeling as they do you increase the level of shame and pressure inside of a person already in pain.  Using sarcasm or even using a defensive approach, (to try and get them to see your life as worse than theirs), shows you are not willing to... for even a moment... be there, in this moment, with them... to share the burden.. to experience their pain. 

They will withdraw from you, or brush it off and again... you will be leaving the risk of them committing suicide possible.

Guilt doesn't work either.  Using guilt against them in the hopes that they will not do it for the sake of someone else often fails because many times they actual believe that their loved ones will be better off without them. 

Making a joke out of what they say sends a message that you don't take them seriously or that you don't care enough to check out what they are saying has any depth of truth to it.  So even if they say it jokingly, especially if they have been going through a rough spot, check in with them.  Ask them if they are OK.

All of the above is a response to your inner fear... You feel that fear inside and wonder what you can do, if anything...

Often we resort to some of the above as a reflex to that fear, so even if you do that, you can still recover from your mistake however their response is likely to brush it off, pretend they are joking about it to get away from the conversation as fast as they can.

Take a big breathe in and out...

Do it again (breathe that is). 

Then ask them... are you OK?

Apologise for your response and acknowledge that they are having a rough journey at the moment.  Start the conversation and follow the "What to do" list above.

Lastly, when the danger has passed and they are OK, just check in to make sure you're OK too!  It's a big emotional experience when it happens.  One you'll never forget.

So check in with a buddy, debrief with a friend... ask them just to listen, not judge and to help you by acknowledging your experience.

Well done you.

Thinking of committing suicide?

How to start a Parenting, Coaching or EFT therapist business

There is one pivotal book that every parenting, coach, EFT therapist or small business owner needs to read and that is the eMyth by Michael Gerber.  In it Michael explains why most small businesses fail!  Essentially Gerber talks about the three types of people needed in every business and when it comes to a small business, the issue is often the person or two person team has to do the lot!  The three types of people that are required for all businesses are this:

  1. The technician – the doer, the provider of the service that you are selling
  2. The Manager – the person that does the finance, works out the workflow, pays the bills, does the administrative work that comes with a business.
  3. The Entrepreneur – The big thinker, the visionary, the person that knows where they want to take the business and leads the charge.

When you’re starting off, often your all of these people and the balance can be precarious because when it get’s overwhelming you want to resort to just doing what you love!  Being the technician!  Letting that paperwork all pile and up and feeling like you can never achieve your dreams can totally railroad you.

That’s why many businesses fail (as outlined in the eMyth book).  They often die out because no one is thinking about…

  • How do I get the knowledge of my work out to my ideal clients? – marketing
  • What’s my cashflow  – my incoming and outgoing and where do I put my money?
  • Where do I want my business to be in 1 year’s time and how do I move towards that?

your life does not get better by chance - eMythIt can be completely overwhelming to do all three aspects of a business and often we avoid it because of that.

It’s important that you set yourself a routine that you can commit to and balance it with some downtime. In that routine include:

  • Technical time – this is the time you work in your business doing what you love doing – the hands on stuff!
  • Admin time – Include time to do your invoicing, chase any debts, get your marketing material out, update your website, write newsletters (with offers and upcoming events) and determine workflows for your processes (finance, marketing, admin etc).  Streamlining is the key here – look for improvements all the time and when you can, outsource!
  • Entrepreneurial time – review your vision for the period of time that works for you (i.e 6mths, 1 year, 5 years) and visualise what it is that you will be doing and having (and make sure it gives you a sense of excitement – if it doesn’t, then refine it!).  Your business needs to hit it’s aims, it’s vision and mission, otherwise why are you in it?

The ratio between the time you spend ON your business rather than IN it (getting hands on) needs to be sufficient enough to keep you moving forward.  Sometimes that can be tricky when it’s just you or the two of you!  So take your time to work that out and be flexible!

The eMyth book proved to be an eye opener for me and I still fall back on that knowledge after 5 years.

So it’s well worth the investment and it’s easy to read and understand.

In addition to your routine… Know your limits, know your resources and get supported by those who believe in you and want the best for you.  Don’t set yourself up for failure by talking to those who think you’re crazy to have left that nice secure job working for someone else.  Align yourself with those who are supportive and doing what you hope to be doing!  The age of competition is over!  There is more than enough room for everyone to offer their own unique service, so don’t get caught up in the idea of competition.

When it comes to your limits, firstly ensure you know your strengths and write them down!  This will help anchor in the fact you do have a lot to offer.  When it comes to your limits, accept them!  Radical I know… but many people think they should be good at everything, and that is just not true.  When you reach a limit, get support, hire someone!  Get it sorted.

A classic example of this is normally, for many therapists, a website… that techy stuff can be so frustrating!  Another area is marketing – writing flyers, newsletters and such.  Take it from someone who tried to avoid that for soooooo long, you just have to bite the bullet and do it.  My next blog will be about how to do that because the number one mistake that all therapists (especially EFT one’s) do is talk about what you do in your marketing material!  The second one is how and where to distribute it.

Your ideal client doesn’t care how you do it, they just want to know what you can do for them!  And your job is to get them to find you! So keep that in mind until next time.

Comparing yourself to others…a guide to a healthy body image

it-is-what-it-is-says-love Cultivating a healthy body image

The question as to why we compare ourselves to others still hasn't been answered clearly in science or psychology in my experience.  Especially when it seems to be more related to western culture.  One of the recent Facebook posts I saw made that clear to me (if you haven't seen Eve Enslers – Love your Tree before, I've posted it below).  Before then I wondered if it was an evolutionary drive where the caveman woman had to prove her worth to get her caveman.  Why else have we evolved into a species that goes to great amounts to cover all flaws with make-up or have our bodies surgically "corrected".  Not to mention the multi-billion industry that has created a culture of yo-yo dieting and gym junkies.  Life gets sucked out of you when you go down this track and yet we keep doing it.

Body image, when derived from outside of ourselves, is based on a judgement that you need to be like or better than someone else in order to be worthy of love.  This is fundamentally a belief system cultivated by a society that has put an enormous empathises on beauty and ignored all of our other strengths and it seems that it is now even affecting men.  We place the emphasis on the beauty and not the person behind the outer cover. 

There is such a huge difference, in my opinion, between beautifying yourself, slipping on something slinky and sexy and wearing it under your clothes feeling good about yourself all day TO smothering yourself in make-up to cover your flaws and hoping you will be noticed by someone whilst at the party.  One has that good feeling imbedded internally, where you feel good about yourself and don't need any external indicator of your worth (ironically, in my experience, that is exactly when it happens – people love to look at people who feel good about themselves).  The other is purely driven to have that external point of reference to give you an inkling of your worth and it is short lived and unpredictable.

In my practice, I get all types of women and men who struggle with their body image and self worth because they have based it on what someone else thinks.  Some of them are very attractive and yet to speak to them, you would realise they didn't know it.  It's not surprising, our parenting model generally reinforces an external reference point for feeling good about our accomplishments.  We use praise to reward our children for doing, being and looking good instead of encouraging our children to admire their own achievements. 

I know from my own early experiences struggling with my weight anyone who made a comment on how good I looked really challenged me.  It wasn't until much later, when I became more aware of myself that I realised that just by making that comment to me "You are looking amazing" (or equivalent), unconsciously told me that before that I didn't and that I had great potential not to look amazing because I'd been there before.  I can tell you now that if you're my friend, I will never tell you that you look great as a result of losing any weight!  Instead I'll be checking in on how you feel, are you happy with your own results, are you feeling good about yourself!  And I won't even mention it unless it's clear you want to talk about it.  I want you to know that you're worth more than what you look like. 

A healthy body image comes from inside. 

It is accepting yourself exactly who you are.  It's not wishing you had a bigger bust, smaller butt, flatter stomach or any other body part that you perceive is flawed.  Feeling good for longer than a second comes from inside.  It is not wishing you to be anything that you are… Love your Tree!

If you tune into your internal self-worth, cultivate it and honour it, you can ditch the diet and those scales and start living your life from a place of self-love instead of self-loathing.

Cultivating a healthy body image

Believe it or not, this doesn't mean standing in front of the mirror saying "I love you just the way you are" and it's not the same for everyone either.  It has to come from within and it needs to be genuine and not forced.    It needs to encompass all your strengths and not just your looks.  It needs to invoke pleasure and joy from within. 

Cultivating your very own healthy body image needs to be based on what makes you feel good.  It addresses more than your body image, it addresses the whole package.  Identify your strengths and find ways to express these creatively.  If you are a creative person, then get creating!  If you enjoy helping others then get helping!  If you enjoy using your intellect then look for a project that expresses that.  It's when we feel good about ourselves that we can do the positive work on our self image.

Here are some other ways to help you:

  • Ditch the diet!  Research shows that 95% of them fail – so why set yourself up for failure?
  • Ditch the trashy and diet magazines!  Comparing ourselves to celebs doesn't help us at all
  • Ditch the news/newspapers!  Listening to depressing news reinforces helplessness and increases stress
  • Ditch the obsessive friends hooked on the above!  If you want to start feeling good about yourself, don't hang out with others who don't!  Find a new tribe based on healthy body image and life style approaches (like Beauty Redefined)

If you're going to put yourself on a diet, go on a diet of self worth and avoid comparing yourself to anyone else.  When you do, just remind yourself to love your tree!  It's crazy not to… it's yours, it is what it is says love..

How do EFT Practitioners make money?

Actions louder than words when it comes to EFT Practitioners make money

Not very well… LOL!

Sorry, had to start that one with a little joke and yet it's not really a joke. Why?  Because most good EFT Practitioners are fantastic at helping people but really fail to market themselves well enough to get the word out and therefor have enough clients to be financially stable.  There are just a handful of ones that I know of in Australia that are good at doing marketing and the follow up workflow to keep it going.  It's a different skill from helping people and it requires you to be able to "sell" yourself and the benefits of what you do.  Most EFT Practitioners have the desire to help and are pretty humble about what they do and also have some beliefs around worthiness and the evils of collecting money when you're doing something you love.  I know this because I mix with them and I was in the same boat. 

To be able to make a living out of doing what you love you need to:

1. Be a great Practioner – Word of mouth makes EFT Practitioners make money!

Without a doubt, being a good practitioner should be your priority.  Being good at what you do actually means you focus on your ideal client, learn everything about their pain and common issues and focus your research, planned approach and results for this client.  EFT Practitioners make money by targeting their niche! Often many practioners try a generalist approach and fail.  Yes, we can help everyone but being the jack of all trades takes an awfully long time, so focus on one area at a time.  Go with the passion that brought you to this modality and help others like you helped yourself.  When you get results, the word will spread like wildfire! 

Word of mouth beats any marketing hands down!  Why?  Because we trust a personal reference more than we trust a fancy flyer or any other advertisement.  And more often or not, that testimonial comes at a time when the client really needs help.

2. Have an Entreprenerial streak – Have creative ways of selling the benefits of what you do to your ideal clients

When we start, we often try and tell people what we do… "I use EFT to release your blocked energy.. blah blah blah.."  What the heck does that mean to the person listening!  Here's a hint, if you see confusion on their face, you've just started speaking in a different language.  You need to simplify and always address the benefits to them!  Ask them what issues they find challenging and then tell them how EFT can overcome that or speak of experiences with people you've had success with.  This will make sense to them.

Now being creative is essential these days… we need to grab people's attention!  So Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or any other social media that you want to use, master it!  Learn how to use it to your advantage..  Contact local community organisations and offer your service as a way of complimenting what they are doing.  Set up strategic community partnerships and get out there and talk to people.

All good EFT Practitioners make money by having a good website that is simple to navigate and clearly shows what you do and how to contact you.  People want to know you before they call you, so your "about us" page should be personal, should be written as if your standing infront of them and talking directly to them.  Connect with your clients.  If you need help with your website (and these days you can have simple, easy to maintain websites created quickly), check out www.love2livedesign.com (do you like the name? 🙂 ).

3. Get your Admin Processes in order – The daily, weekly, monthly follow up and planning is essential

These are the tedious details in the creative process.  There is no use putting on an EFT information evening if you don't collect contact details of everyone and follow them up with your workshops or specials.  You should be connecting to your audience on a regular basis.  Email newsletters, Facebook Posts, Tweets of what you're doing and offering and words of wisdom that help your clients are all part of the administration process.  Keeping your clients connected to you is essential.  Get your processes in place and make sure you create workflows around everything you do.  Again, much of this can be automated if you connect with the right web developer/integration team.

Great EFT Practitioners make money by creating a relationship of trust with their clients which enables their clients to easily refer their services onto their friends and family.  This is done through good marketing practices, creative ways of hitting your niche market and having the processes to support return clients.  If you don't have these processes in place, get some help, mentoring and start researching what others are doing out there.

How to become a successful EFT Practitioner

If you're an EFT Practitioner or even just a natural therapist aiming to be successful in your business then you need to hear from Krista Jane.  Krista has a successful business, writes for blogs and magazines, runs international retreats and helps people find their passion in their life and make a living from it.  She began about 4 years ago having landed in Sydney with no family, friends or connections and within a year had a successful practice going.  She knows what's she's talking about…  You could learn a lot from her…  She has courage and she has what it takes to turn anything into a success.  I love her honesty and her spirit.

This recording was made last year as a run up to an event we were both part of, since then, she's only doing better!

(Can't see the player?  Click here to open the link to the recording)

For more about Krista Jane, pop over to her website – www.kristajane.com.

Becoming a successful EFT Practitioner takes more than just skill, it takes business sense and loads of courage to get out there and approach new markets.  The first thing you do need to master is your 30 second speech… the response you give to that casual "So what do you do?" question.  The rookie mistake is to mention the word EFT practitioner or tapping or anything else that describes the technique.  It's not about the technique!  It's about what you can do for them.  

For example, my answer to that would be "I help people overcome their barriers to being a calm and in control parent.  So that when their little one starts exerting their independence or even just testing their boundaries, as a parent you can react in a way that helps redirect them into more appropriate behaviour.  That way the parent child relationship and bond is strengthen and not damaged because of a negative response.  I also help individuals with their own relationships with others and themselves too.  Everyone has challenges in different areas and what I do can address many issues.  It goes way beyond just listening to their problems, it actually deals with the cause and releases it!"

Successful EFT Practitioners promote what they can do for others and not how they do it.  People want results and whether it's EFT or any other therapy, they really don't care.  

For help formulating your 30 second speech, why don't you drop me an email and we can brainstorm it together!

What is love?


Is Love a feeling?

Or an expectation of love in return?

Is Love a desire… to be with someone?

Is it all consuming like romance novels and movies have us believing?

Would you die for love? Kill for it? Dance for it?

Would you do anything for love?… Anything?!

 

I'm an avid reader and I admit… I like a bit of escapism just like many people… So some (no.. a lot) of my reading material is fiction.  I grew up in a household where both of my parents read lots of fiction and it followed through that all of their daughters also read fiction.  Up until the last year or so, once in a while I would have to clear out my burgening book cases and take all the books I was happy to part with down to the 2nd hand store, collect money and most likely walk out with more books to read.  I've moved to digital books now and in the last 6 months, consistently when I go looking for a new book on kobo or amazon I browse the top 50 popular books and find, to my surprise, quite a few romances and lately, a lot of erotica written for women.  So I have to ask myself, what is it that women all around the world are craving that we need to seek it in a book?  Is it love?  Or is it that buzz you feel when you get turned on?  Do we find in the books the meaning of love or are we escaping from our mundane lives into a rich world of romping and perfect bodies (which I'm sure all romance and erotica characters have).

It's an interesting question… what is love?  I quite often ask my couples and singles exactly what that means for them…  I'm looking for expectations (which equal conditions) such as… I feel good… I feel wanted… I feel safe… I feel respected… and so forth.  When we put expectations on what the other person will give us in this love relationship, then technically we're creating a co-dependent relationship.  It means we need them to forfill our needs… that's not love… that's want, dependency and needy!

Neuroscientists who have examined this love phenomenon would say love is a set of chemical and hormonal reactions within the body when, at it's basic instinctual survival level, our unconscious sees and recognises a partner who could meet our needs (for creating a secure home, provide children and provide for us).  Once we have secured that mate the hormal and electrical reactions settle down and then the real test for us begins because unlike our primative ancestors, we then need to work at maintaining this relationship which in our current lifetime circumstances, is much easier to walk away from.  It takes a lot of courage to stay and sort things out.

Scientists have discovered that certain parts of the brain become deactivated when we're in love, including areas linked with negative emotions, planning, critical social assessment, the evaluation of trustworthiness and fear.

Biological studies have found that this phase of reduced cognitive function, during which faults are ignored, can last from one to two and a half years. This temporary state of delusion has a vital human function. If we immediately saw all our partner's faults, we would be less likely to form a stable relationship in which to produce children. (The Independent)

We all know there is a "honeymoon" period to love and then it become something else… It becomes hard work and takes a real conscious effort to build and grow in a loving relationship that can sustain the ups and downs of life.  Moving on from just cohabitating, keeping the passion alive and managing your emotions in the face of the other's now annoying faults takes committment.  The grass often looks greener in another pasture and most of the time, that's actually not true.  What you avoid dealing with in one relationship often follows you into the next.

I was fortunate to watch my parents work hard at their relationship through spending quality time together every Saturday night.  I grew up respecting their need for that and appreciating how important it was for them.  It made them a much more cohesive unit.  Family constellations theory also places significant importance of the primary relationship (between mum and dad) taking precedence over parent to child relationship.  Why is this?  Because that's the foundational relationship and if that is strong then the children will feel supported and know what is expected of them.  When this is out of balance… when a child supports a mum through her worries or offers words of support to a dad who has been fighting with mum, then the child's responsibilities have changed into that of a caretaker/parent role.  It's confusing, it's unatural.  The parent's role is to give and the child's role is to take.  This isn't about love, it's about nature.

Love isn't about meeting some elses needs.   Those of you who are parents know that you love your child no matter how naughty they are (most of the time). You love to do things and provide things for your children and most of the time, when we're feeling loved and good about ourselves, we don't ask for anything in return.  It's when we feel a distinct lack of self love that we then ask our children to give back to us, we put expectations on them… unatural expectations!  We feel resentful and see them as ungrateful… and yet they are doing what comes natural to them… taking.  Lovingly showing them how to be grateful, how to appreciate what they have teaches them to be mindful of others… empathy and modelling are really important.

So if you're not feeling the love in your family, first overhaul your parental relationship… if that's not possible (because of seperation or divorce), then be very mindful that it's not your children's role to make you feel loved.  You need to feel that from within… feed it by telling yourself and treating yourself as someone who is loved.

If you don't have children but are in a relationship and you're not sure it's working… because you're not feeling the love and here are some signs…

You or your partner…

  • Need them to constant reassurance that they love you
  • Put all your focus on their needs in order to gain some kind of control. For example: watching him to assess his moods, walks on eggshells to keep upsetting things away from her, watches what she says so he won't get mad and so forth
  • Keep your needs to yourself. For example: He doesn't voice an opinion until he sees what his girlfriend believes, so he won't come into conflict with her.
  • Get a sense of worth from others doing what they think they should do.
  • Have to help people in order to feel good or in control.  For example:  You have to do your partner's washing because you don't think they are capable of doing it themselves
  • Have come from a background where things were out of control or very unloving. Maybe you grew up in an alcoholic family, or in a family where parents were fighting all the time or you were a victim of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or violence, or you were harshly criticized or ridiculed and made to feel small.

If this sounds like you or your partner… then help is possible! 

The basic tenant of feeling love is actually loving yourself first.  If you don't love yourself, then how can you believe that someone else loves you? 

Your need for love can become an addiction where you constantly seek the feeling or reassurance that you're loveable and yet you never feel good about it for long when it happens… you need your next hit of validation. 

Helping you through this means untangling those issues that block you from feeling yourself worthy of love.  The process is different depending on where you go… but go you must!  Find yourself a good healer or counsellor with the skills to unfold the beliefs, change them, reprogram you and set you free!

The Wisdom of Connection

I am reading a book called Reconnective Healing by Dr Eric Pearl at the moment and before I began I read the introduction which was written by Gary E Schwartz, a professor of psychology, medicine, neurology, psychiatry & surgery who received his PhD from Harvard University in 1971.  So he has a few mileage points under his belt and he's clearly got an open mind as well as an analytical mind.  He opens this book basically telling me that there's really proof to knowing that energy healing is real and there are many studies to prove it.  Why am I telling you this?

Well there was a passage, which I am about to quote, that really got to me instantly… one of those moments where you get a light bulb flashing and an internal voice going… "Of course!  That's so true!"… and so applicable to every healing situation I have experienced myself or through my clients".

First the quote and then I'll explain the application:

The Universal Connection Principle to wholeness and healing at all levels

When I was a professor of psychology and psychiatry at Yale University in the mid '70s through the late '80s, I published scientific papers that applied this universal connection principle not only to mind-body wholeness and healing, but to wholeness and healing at all levels in nature (e.g., Schwartz, 1977; 1984).  My colleagues and I proposed that there were five basic steps to achieving wholeness and healing: attention, connection, self regulation, order, and ease.

Step 1 Voluntary attention.  This is as simple as just experiencing your body, and the energy flowing within your body and between you and your environment
Step 2 Attention creates connection, when you allow your mind, consciously or unconsciously, to experience energy and information, this process promotes connections not only within your body, but between your body and the environment.
Step 3 Connection fosters self-regulation.  Like a team of athletes or musicians who together achieve greatness in sports or jazz, the dynamic connections among the players enables the team to organize and control itself (termed "self-regulation"), with the guiding assistance of caches and conductors.
Step 4 Self-regulation promotes order.  What you experience as wholeness, cusses, or even beauty, reflects an organizing process made possible by connections allowing self-regulation.
Step 5  The order is expressed with ease.  When everything is connected properly, and the parts (the players) are allowed to fulfill their respective roles, the self-regulation process can occur effortlessly.  The process flows.

The reverse is also true. There are five basic steps to achieving disintegration and disease: disattention, disconnection, disregulation, disorder and disease.

In a word, connection leads to order and ease; disconnection leads to disorder and disease.

Gary E. R. Schwartz Ph.D     

So the light bulb moment came when I saw the connection in my life… 

For example… My husband and my son (from a previous relationship) didn't hit it off for a number of years and I felt like I was constantly stuck in the middle and not sure how to defend either of them.  It wasn't much fun for any of us!  However, that all changed when I began studying as a counsellor and voluntarily chose to put my attention into my communication skills and specifically my listening skills… the listening created a level of empathy and therefore a strong connection between me and them instantly!  The on-going willingness to listen to each side (without owning their problems, defending the other, offering advice) gave them the space to cool off and begin to self-regulate how they were going to approach each other.  I also began to self-regulate each conflict experience, so that I only listened deeply and provided an ear so they could verbalise their feelings and then find their own solution.  That process, done over and over again, created more order in my household than I had ever experienced and we went from chaos to ease which is where we are now.

back pain connection to angerAnother example… Last year I had an absolutely hideous experience with my back.  It went out over the Easter weekend and progressively got worse over a number of months until all I could do was hobble around like an old woman.  I needed help!  Interestingly I look to others to find the solution and tried everything medically to help me shift the pain.  It got the point the neurosurgeon recommended surgery and at that point, I pulled in the big guns and EFT Master and a Spiritual Master (Sikaal Vrenssen).  Through session with Sikaal, I explore old family patterns and internal spiritual patterns that needed to be addressed.  Through EFT, I explored deep seated anger from old traumas nicely repressed due to my good girl upbringing.  Through putting my attention on these areas and really noticed the energy in my body change.  I had a deep connection with the emotions that came up and I allowed them to be processed and released.  I really honored the part of me that was intensely angry at the world and by doing so a level of self-regulation occurred and within 3 days of two powerful session, my back pain disappeared never to return.  No surgery, no pain killers… and yet the so called physical signs in my body are still present… yet I no longer have any pain… and that was over 12 months ago…

So how can you apply these principles?  Well I believe if you just focus on the first principle…

  • What do you need to put your attention to? 
  • What can you step back from and really observe, your thoughts, your energy, the energy between you and your environment (family, relationships, work, business etc)? 
  • What do you need to do differently?  Or what have you been avoiding?
  • What support do you need to help you shift this in your life NOW!

And by putting your attention onto a problem area for you for at least a week, watch what a difference that makes in how you approach it!

Or do you need help like I did?  Reach out and get that help today…

 

Self Health – Nothing is More Important

the secret to good health

If you think of what is truly important to you in all areas of your life – the people, the experiences and even the material things you love having around you, all of these things that you value and provide you with happiness can be impacted by one thing – your health.

If you’re unwell, finding happiness in the moment is near impossible and just making it through the day can be challenging. Nowadays, health is more than just a physical condition, it’s mental and spiritual. Physics and psychological research has recognised that mental health is essential to physical health, because if the unconscious mind is working so hard dealing with the mental challenges, then the running of the ship (the body) comes in second at best.

However, health seems to be the one area we, as a modern society, seem to be struggling with the most. We rely upon the advice of doctors, nutrition experts and a government as to what is right for us in the area of our mental and physical health and yet, that advice seems to change or is contradicted almost weekly! This indicates that we still don’t know what’s right for us, why it’s going wrong and we don’t know how to change it.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the guide by which psychologists and psychiatrists determine what mental issue a person has. This guide alone has grown exponentially over the last 30 years, as have the pharmaceutical options for treatments. The DSM has gone from having just four known mental conditions to over 400, all provided with an over-the- counter drug solution. However, there are many cases where the pharmaceutical option has caused more problems with side effects or worse – death.

The modern western medical model has provided us with great improvements and a longer life, however it too, is to be questioned as it has almost enslaved us by our expectations that it can fix it all. Many doctors now are so afraid of getting a diagnosis wrong they are submitting their patients to expensive, extensive, invasive tests which can also cause complications and long term issues.

In addition to this, our modern way of living has increased obesity, heart disease, diabetes and autism. Prostrate and breast cancer seem to be thriving and as yet, we haven’t see the government or medical model provide any answers to the causes of the disease. Is it what we’re eating? Is it the chemicals we spray on our food? Genetic modification? Vaccinations? Or is it what we are feeding the animals that end up on our table? Is finding the causes of our diseases too hard because it would create a problem in the industry that is causing the problem? Why is the government and medical science only looking for solutions to the symptoms and not hunting down the cause?
This sounds really scary, doesn’t it! What is really scary is how reliant we are on the modern medical system, with the over-the-counter drugs and doctor and surgery treatment options. You may have even ventured into alternative health solutions. However, unless that solution is looking beyond treatment of the symptoms then we are really just looking at band-aid solutions, as the causes are never found that way. Ask any doctor the question “why have I got this?” and they can’t answer that. They don’t know why, they are only trained to treat the symptoms.

The Secret to Good Health

There is another option, but it involves something that most people have forgotten or have never had the thought or option to do and that is to take full responsibility for their own health – mental and physical and stop giving your power away to another person.  You may even be questioning if that is even possible! Yes it is.

Am I telling you not to go to the doctor or hospital if you are ill? No, I am not. I do believe in the value of a good medical system and if you are sick then they can help you overcome the symptoms, but they can’t tell you why your body failed you. Each person is unique, there is no one size fits all system and the medical model is run by humans, which implies that it cannot be perfect. What you need to do is to work with the system but not surrender yourself to it (see the case example below).

You can start by addressing your physical health, but unless you also address your mental health then you are really just working on a band-aid solution. Get yourself sorted out mentally and the body will follow and improve. There is research that shows that our disease and physical issues are linked to our emotions and past traumas. Just think about how your body feels on a bad day, or if you are stressed, how your body tenses up and often headaches occur. So let’s start there.

Mental health is more than just taking a mental health day here and there. It’s a change of your mental approach to life, even under the most extreme circumstances. If you are prone to stress, anxiety, depression or mood swings then the chances are that you have had experiences in life that have taught you how to react in situations and those lessons have not been helpful.

Up to the age of six, we are like little mental sponges and we learn our beliefs and values by watching those around us and by our negative experiences. So if you have a belief as an adult that you’re not good enough and constantly have to perform to a perfect standard, which causes you to be stressed out, self-judgemental and anxious, then it’s highly likely you have learned this belief from an incident in early childhood and it’s been repeated over your life-time. The result of negative belief systems can impact your mental and physical health. Your reaction to life can create stress which turns on the reptilian part of your brain’s fight, flight and freeze response and thus causes the other bodily functions (such as digestion, immune functions and hormone functioning) to take a back seat. If you look around you, how many people do you know who get stressed out easily and are constantly sick or have allergies, intolerances or other health problems? Stress is a killer. Stress is caused by our cognitive approach to the experiences in our life and can be experienced even in the womb (babies react to their mother’s stress).

Our unconscious mind is similar to a filing system, everything is stored away in it and we constantly refer to these files to determine how we react to every situation. You are programmed to respond automatically, which allows your brain to concentrate on your bodily functions. Can you change this? Yes, you can. There are simple techniques that can be used to help you reprogram how you respond and these techniques can be done by you. Some of these you already know, others you have yet to learn, but they are all available to you here, now.

  • Exercise – it’s a fact that regular exercise helps reduce stress and create happy hormones in the body.
  • Meditation – very good for relaxation and helping the body switch out of stress reaction. It requires regular application to be effective.
  • Mindfulness – helps us recognize how and why we mis-take the actuality of things for some story we create, and then makes it possible to chart a path toward greater sanity, well-being, and purpose.
  • Energy Psychology – is a combination of techniques which treat and relieve suffering from emotional challenges such as addictions & compulsions, anxiety, depression, limiting beliefs, personality disorders, phobias, stress, and trauma and also help maximize human performance in business, sports and the arts. One of the simple techniques is Meridian tapping which is simple to learn and to apply and a fantastic Self Help technique.
  • Self care – this means taking time out for you!  Slow down in your life, reduce your stress and allow yourself some quiet time.  Do activities that make you feel good such as Yoga, getting a massage, getting creative (using your right brain), and anything else that fits into the feel good category.

Now if you are prepared to take control of your emotional health by employing one of the above methods, then you will naturally start taking control of your physical health and seek more balance diet, drink less and stop sabotaging your exercise regime.

So now you know what the secret to good health is… the next step is to find out how to do it. The first step is to find someone who can teach you how and then apply it for yourself. This can be done through the internet (download this free manual) or you can attend a workshop locally that provides you with the ability to learn with others and experience the technique in an environment where you can ask questions and explore.